It is time for my 5th annual Holiday Gift Guide for People You Hate™. This guide is useful for all those awkward situations where you are forced to give gifts, yet you really don’t care for the recipients. Office gift exchanges, intrusive neighbors, pain-in-the-ass relatives… society unfortunately forces us numerous times during the holidays to spend our hard earned money on gifts for jerks that you would probably rather never speak to again.
Such is life.
Anyway, onto the guide:
1) The Sweater. Clothes go in and out of style all of the time, but sweaters are timeless. This is the key to this gift. Also key to the sweater is because they never go out of style, there is the expectation that you can wear said sweater EVERY YEAR. Which creates an awesome conflict for your giftim (gift victim). Now, Christmas rolls around, and they know you’re coming over. They just got this nifty new Armani shirt which will be perfect… oh shit, cousin Eddy is coming over and I have to wear the fucking sweater he got me. By the way, sweaters never go out of style, because they’re never in style to begin with, now that the whole central heating thing has been invented and all. Enjoy your trip back to the 1800s brah!
2) Apple products. Wait, the iPad, iPhone, iPod, etc. are at the top of everyone’s holiday gift list. How can these be gifts for people you hate? Because Apple isn’t a company, it is a cult. Giving someone an iPhone is like giving someone a rock of crack for Christmas. Soon, your computer isn’t good enough. And your music player is inadequate. And next thing you know, you’re a hipster dressing like Elvis Costello, quitting your Wall Street job to become a barrista, and you’re getting raped in a cardboard tent in an Occupy protest protesting, well, you have no fucking idea, but you have an iPhone dammit! That shit actually happens. Just say no to Apple.
3) Adult Party Game. “Hey, here’s a game of Scattegories (or some other bag of shit designed to force conversation). Why am I giving this to you? Because apparently I’m going to continue to be forced to be in your company, and you’re boring as shit. We have nothing in common. We can’t even talk about the weather. So we need some vehicle that forces conversation to murder the hellacious time we spend together. You suck”. Short of a bag of cyanide capsules for the crowd, the party game is the next best way of saying the aforementioned dialog, and ensuring the company of your giftim is as painless as possible.
4) Pajamas. Extremely cosy women’s pajamas in particular. You know how to turn Megan Fox into the love child of Rosie O’Donnell and Sasquatch (which is essentially no different than Rosie O’Donnell, btw)? Put her in cosy pajamas. The flannel type, loose fitting, the kind that just screams “I don’t give a fuck how I look, I’m going to bed.” The kind that you can’t get off a woman without the controversial type of court order that sent Elian Gonzalez back to Cuba. Yes, if you really hate a man, you give cosy pajamas to his wife. Because she’ll wear them. Every fucking night.
5) Bath products. We’ve all been washing ourselves for years. During that time, we’ve tried every product on the marketplace we care to try to accomplish said goal. Soaps, lotions, shampoos… one’s smell is very private and personal to them. So by giving them some horrifically scented bath gel, you’re basically doing a number of things to your giftim. First, you’re saying their smell is not right, which is a terrible insult. Second, you’re telling them that the smell you have selected for them is something they need to smell like, which is demeaning in its own right. Seriously, nobody wants to smell like “sandalwood”, that’s why nobody buys anything sandalwood scented from December 26th through November 15th. It smells like shit – who the hell are you to say that I need to smell like fucking sandalwood? And nobody takes a bath anymore anyway! This is a really hateful gift – use with caution.